When Four Months Turns Into Four Years

Post-separation Abuse Experiences.

How I was given conflicting advice post-separation at the end of an 11-year relationship.

The relationship ended in August 2020. The past person was making a commitment during 2020. We spent 6 months together during the COVID-19 lockdown doing lots of DIY projects. The removal van that was booked was cancelled and then rebooked for July.

He Packed A Van With Furniture and Personal Belongings.

 Two days after arriving back, he terminated our relationship in an immature way. I now call this his four-sentence discard speech.

 What he said.

 I’ve got something to tell you.

 I’m in love with another woman.

 We can remain, friends, if you want to remain friends.

 We just can’t have sex any more.

Intuition took over.

I walked away. My mind was telling me not to react in front of him.

 I had reacted emotionally when he confessed to seeing another woman that he referred to as his ‘Wednesday girl’ in December of 2017. As I stood in the middle of the lounge, I started screaming. I didn’t say anything; I only screamed. 

Back to the story. 
I was emotional; I could feel the anger rising inside of me. I was also fearful that reacting in anger in front of him could have been dangerous. Within two days, he had written a letter with a financial proposal. It started, “Dear Loraine.” I have no clue why he could not discuss things with me; his letter made no sense to me. When I received his letter by email, I replied immediately, “Thank you, but no thanks.” I have a lot to process right now, repeating his words.

 Here’s what his post-separation proposal or offer said.

1.  When you move out of Las Zinas, I will gift you 35,000 GBP so you can choose to pay off your mortgage on your Sunderland property, providing you with a regular rental income.
2.  I will also help you buy a house in Spain that you can also own outright by gifting you a further 75,000 EURO.
3.  I will also pay your removal and legal fees.
4.  If you’d like to take any furniture from Las Zinas, then please feel free to do so.
5.  You have been very clear that you want to move on as quickly as possible. (No, I never said that) if you want to move out straight away, I am willing to help you rent somewhere until you can find and move into a new house.

 I didn’t understand how vulnerable I was because I had trusted him.  I had no job, no business, and had a minimum amount of savings.  I had a rented property in the UK, and the rent was covering the mortgage of £430 per month, which left me £120 per month.  

 Within the week of his return to Spain, he had made several life-changing decisions.

 Ended our relationship.

 Wanted to sell the Spanish house.

 He wanted to sell his UK home.

Everything was moving so quickly.

I looked at hundreds of properties online and booked the agent to market our home. She brought the first people to view before a contract was signed. Then, within six days of him writing his very generous and kind offer, he was angry. The agent had called him and given feedback that I had said something negative to her clients.

 One of her clients had asked about the motorway that runs past the property. I told her the truth. I can hear the odd lorry that goes down the road around 6:00 a.m., but I sleep with the windows open. So because I told the truth, it was reframed as negative. So the former person came into the bedroom after her call, and he was angry.

 He ranted and shouted in my face.

 Quote

 Don’t fuck about with me. I’m in control. You do as I say, or I can throw you onto the streets. September the 6th 2020

Before he left in late September, I was threatened, intimidated, criticized, humiliated, and left in an uncertain and vulnerable situation because he had set an arbitrary deadline of four months.

 He turned completely hostile in a meeting held in our home, which he agreed I could record. 

As he told me, if I didn’t buy the house by the 15th of January if the house was not sold by the 15th of January, then you’re out, and I’m moving back. His tone was angry and intimidating.

He was in control I couldn’t discuss anything he shut down negotiations from the beginning. 

When dealing with coercion and emotional and psychological abuse, you need to document everything that happens. That was why I asked to record the meeting; I had experienced his angry outbursts on many occasions. 

Listen to the Podcast Settlement vs Eviction

What I didn’t understand was the systemic failures in the justice system.

I had the belief that I would have protection and support from organizations that are meant to be there for survivors of gender-based violence.  I was shocked by how things unfolded.  I’m not alone in this situation; thousands of women go through this type of abuse with hardly any support. Post-separation abuse that plays out in the legal system. 

 Here are the failures I experienced post-separation.

1.   Legal advice to remain in the property.

2.  Legal advice to file a gender violence complaint.

3.   The 016 National helpline advises having a solicitor when making a complaint to the police. I made two requests to have a legal representative at the Guardia station and was informed that I didn’t need a solicitor to make a complaint.

4.  January the 15th, 2021, the second hearing, the four-month deadline he set.  Our solicitor stood as his power of attorney. The complaint I made was emotional and psychological abuse; it was heard as one minor verbal abuse because I did not have legal representation at the point of making the complaint. 

 By March, I received the sentence via WhatsApp from the free public legal representative. 

 I forwarded the sentence to the original solicitor, who gave the advice. He told me the court had not considered a longer case of bad behaviour and that I should appeal. 

5. I texted the free solicitor in the case and asked what I could do, but his reply was that his job was done. I need to find another solicitor.

6. Now that the gender violence case has been dismissed, the victim’s office tells me to go to the church in the next Village. They might be able to help, and I’m also instructed to visit Social Services.

7. I attend a charity organization, CAVI, which supports survivors of gender-based violence. I had one email with a social worker, then nothing. I receive free advice from a solicitor.

•  Do not make any more complaints you will make him angry.  He was already angry.
•  Negotiate, they said.  I had tried to negotiate six times up to that point.
•  They told me it should be money first, then leave.
  

8. During the meeting we had on the 15th of September, I was told I could not negotiate with him, by the angry, abusive ex partner. 

Clip – from the recorded meeting post-separation. Language Warning.

https://youtu.be/94QtdJ3NvoI?si=yeFcXOGP-d1i_cLe

9. I sacked the mediation company Waypoint in May 2024 after they had lied to me

10. In July 2021, I allowed a viewing after several gas-lighting emails from the ex-partner, and then I obtained a signed agreement after 3 hours together on the 24th of July 2021. I agree to £40,000.

The buyers dropped out after he changed the terms of the agreement without talking to me.  So I offer him vacant possession if he would pay the money as I had an offer of a temporary accommodation.  He would not honour the agreement or allow me to have a free life. 

 11. January 2022: I received an email titled “Happy New Year Loraine.” As if nothing had happened, he was playing nice again. I got help to draft a reply and informed him I would allow viewing at the property if he honoured his first proposal.
Boom! He turned hostile again. 

•  His next email States, “I’m now at risk of the Guardia Civil turning up, and I will be forced to leave with just my personal possessions. He sends me the court documents in a separate email.

12. Again, I reach out to the original solicitor, who gives me the advice to go to the court to stop the proceedings and obtain free legal representation.  January the 13th 2022

13. While translating the document, I discovered a misrepresentation of facts.  I write on the document in Spanish in nearly every paragraph: Esto no es verdad.  This is not true. 

The legal representative does not help me.

14. The free public-appointed solicitor looks at the court document and questions the comments I have written in the margins. She asks who wrote them, and I tell her it was me. At the end of the meeting, she takes the court document with her. I have to print another copy and start over again to mark up the false statements. I discovered Article 49 bis and how a Civil Case can be stopped (Loss of Jurisdiction) if a judge believes there is a case of gender violence to be investigated. 

15. The solicitor informs me I should go to Social Services to request an assessment of vulnerability. So I turned up at Social Services, and one of the social workers told me that the solicitor had to make the request. I’m confused and angry that one person says one thing and another says something else. I refuse to leave the office until the worker calls the solicitor. Then, another worker enters the office and has two yellow sticky notes. He puts them down on the desk in front of me.

Advised to sack the solicitor.

16. I attended the courthouse five days before the verbal hearing to try and have my evidence submitted to the court.  An official in JVD Instance 3 advised me to sack the solicitor and make an official complaint. She also advised me to find a translator. I was unable to submit any evidence.

17.  The Civil Court verbal hearing lasted five minutes.  I didn’t understand any of it.  I was left in shock.  I didn’t understand why the court had requested the former partner to attend in person when initially he had requested to appear by video link.  There were no questions asked.  There was no way for me to speak.  None of my evidence was submitted to the court for the judge to consider.

18.  I informed the solicitor that I was told to sack her. She then decided to appeal to a higher Court. Three magistrates looked at the case again. It’s no use really, seen as none of my evidence was allowed into the verbal hearing, and I had no opportunity to speak. That appeal is only to look at the evidence that was in the first hearing, and there’s no other opportunity to attend another Court, so the appeal case was dismissed in mid-2023.

19.  October 2022: Guardia arrived unexpectedly at the property. I’m told that my former partner has filed several minor misdemeanours against me. I have to attend court to collect the documents; I’m not under arrest. 

In the meantime, I published my book in May 2022, started two YouTube channels, and learned more about affiliate marketing. I liquidated 50% of my pension and tried four times to find somewhere to move to. 
You can also find my Amazon Merch T-Shirt Collection Here.

20. The criminal court documents spell out all of the allegations where his solicitor has requested maximum penalties –  I feel this was heavy-handed scare tactics, given my emotional and psychological vulnerability due to the previous civil court verbal hearing and being told by the free solicitor that the Judge would order my eviction.

The allegations

•  Revealing secrets –  5 years
•  Insults   –  14 months
•  Slander –  2 years
•  Harassment –  two years
•  Misappropriation –  3 years
•  Theft –  18 months
•  Damages –  three years

 Again, the statements in the criminal court documents are false, gaslighting and manipulation. 

Numerous attempts to come to a solution.

 By the end of 2022, I have attempted numerous times to try and come to a solution with a person who is unreasonable, vindictive, angry, and abusive.  Under the laws of gender violence in Spain, Article 44, paragraph 5 of The Organic Law 1/2004, expressly prohibits mediation that comes before a specialist violence against women court. 

 So mediation and negotiation are prohibited, but according to the advice I received from the solicitor at the charity CAVI, which is set up to assist and support victims of gender violence, it is okay to negotiate if the case was dismissed in the first hearing,  (another failure).

He terminated the utilities.

21.  June 2023. I’m advised to file a police report against the ex-person for coercion. He terminated the utilities at the property after I had paid to replace the full length of the main water pipe due to the failure of the insurance-appointed Spanish plumbers to fix the leaks in the old pipe.

 As of this month, November 2024, I still have no access to running water. The coercion complaint was heard in the women’s court in September 2023, but there has been no solution.  I paid the Madrid solicitor 1750 euros.  I was not thinking things through. Why did I pay when legal representation is free?

22. The same month, the first hearing occurs in the criminal court, instance five, Cartagena. I had appointed a legal firm in Madrid that only deals with criminal cases. From previous experience, I was not going to rely on free legal assistance appointed by the prosecutor.  The lawyer informed me not to answer questions about my self-published book. When the judge asked if I had published a book, I replied yes. Oops!

 I didn’t follow the instructions. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe it was that I did not want to answer that question. It did not feel right. I was going to tell the truth.

23. After the two hearings in September, I had to submit evidence to the women’s Court. The attorney did not submit all the evidence, and again, I was angry. The solicitor in Madrid went quiet, and he would not answer my calls. Was I on the naughty step? 

Filing false allegations and false accusations.

24.  November 2023, I attend the Guardia Civil police station again to file another complaint. This time, I am filing false allegations and false accusations from the former partner in the civil and criminal courts. I am past caring. The original free solicitor in the eviction case was replaced in November.  

25. In December 2023, I received an email with the date of the eviction: March 21st, 2024. I was told the police would attend to help me. A few days later, I received another email from the criminal lawyer. Five of the seven allegations have been dismissed, and now only defamation and damages remain in the court.

26. From the documents I received about the eviction, I discovered that social services sent a communication to the court around the date I gave my testimony in the women’s Court in September. The email states there is no vulnerability as I did not attend an appointment in August 2023. 

A complaint regarding human rights violations was filed to the European Court of Human Rights in July 2023. I understand that the backlog is three years, so my case would not reach the court until 2026. 

 When I tried to request an appeal of the eviction through the free solicitor, she did not respond. So, I attended in person again at the courthouse. The manager at the court intervened to ask the free solicitor to respond to me. The appeal was lodged after I received advice from an English solicitor here, and the eviction was suspended so that social services could assess vulnerability, which was not done in August 2023 or May 2022.

The former partner ignores the suspension.

27. Even though the eviction is suspended, the former partner ignores the suspension and sends a locksmith and a neighbour to the property. Could this be considered harassment? 

28. May 2024. I testified to the women’s court regarding the complaint I filed in November 2023. There’s been a six-month wait. 

29. In September 2024, I found an EU case report on SLAPP litigation in Spain. When I read through the document, I discovered one case of an individual with a seized court case. When I checked through the Claims making the allegations, I found one person with a business registered in the UK. This can’t be a coincidence. I understand this is the case against me in the Spanish Criminal Court. I forward this document to the criminal lawyer in Madrid. 

30.  October 2024. On the 7th of October, the free solicitor in the civil case for eviction notified that the eviction date had been resumed, and it was now December 19th, six days before Christmas. 

Help from the British Embassy

On the 8th of October, I requested help from the British Embassy as I have free legal representation in the women’s court, but I did not have his name or contact details. The British Consulate in Alicante intervened, and I was given the contact details of the free solicitor. I texted him on the 8th; he informed me he had heard nothing from the court since May. By the 22nd of October, I was informed of a date for a hearing in 2025. 

 On the 30th of October, the criminal defence solicitor contacted me to inform me that the judge had dismissed the final two allegations against me. The news is bittersweet. As I have no compensation for the false allegations that have been made against me, not even the court costs have been recovered from the plaintiff. 

In my first book, I wrote about the gaps in the laws and the failings in the legal process I experienced. I’m now writing the sequel to document what has happened since 2021. 

The truth is important to me.

 I value the truth. During my research, I have uncovered the failings in reports available online. I will leave the links to those publications at the end of this article.

Grievo reports highlight failings in the prosecution of emotional and psychological abuse, even though NGOs reported a high incidence of women reporting this form of abuse since 2020.

Weaponizing defamation against survivors is recognized as another form of abuse.
SLAPP – EU Case reports between 2022 – 2023

This article documents systemic barriers to Justice and highlights the bias and patterns of discriminatory behaviours in the justice system. From solicitors who told me it’s very difficult to prove emotional and psychological abuse. To police who did not follow fundamental constitutional rights, and Social Services who did not help me in the beginning,  free legal representatives who did not listen, ignored my reports of abuse, denied me a voice and didn’t allow evidence into the court. 

 This article will be sent to all the solicitors I contacted over four years.

 I have suffered emotional trauma, grief, panic attacks, anxiety and financial loss.

 Justice is not just about punishing bad behaviour. It is about changing the way we think about Justice. Every person who walks into a courtroom deserves to be treated with respect regardless of race, gender, language, and socioeconomic status. Judicial decisions should be regularly audited to check for racial and gender disparities. 

 Precarious Eviction Cases

In cases of precarious eviction involving intimate partners in long-term relationships, questions should be asked, and mandatory negotiations between two solicitors should be made to ensure an equitable outcome regardless of marital status. Family law protects married women. However, there are many books published about “Divorcing a Narcissist,”  but not many publications highlight separation in non-married relationships. When I discovered the conflicting legal advice, it made no sense. The main reason is the conflict in the laws; women in cohabiting relationships are treated like second-class citizens with less protection than married women.

There needs to be continuity in legal representation. There should be a step-by-step process that legal professionals, police, and social workers can follow to ensure that women are not discarded and left in vulnerable emotional and financial situations by men who lack morals and empathy and can manipulate and misrepresent the facts and do not take responsibility for their own decisions.

I wrote about these systemic failures in my first self-published book in May 2022. The General Council of the Legal Profession and the Ministry of Equality in Spain agree.

QUOTE: (November 2024)
“In a meeting held this morning at the headquarters of the Ministry of Equality, Ana Redondo agreed with Salvador González on the importance of lawyers who assist victims of violence being present in the process from the beginning.”
Read The Full Article.

Links to the articles I discovered.

Spain | Round Baseline evaluation GREVIO/Inf(2020) 19 | Publication date:  25/11/2020

1. Domestic violence, including psychological violence (Articles 33 and 35)

GREVIO notes with satisfaction that Article 44, paragraph 5, of Organic Law 1/2004 expressly prohibits mediation in cases of intimate partner violence that come before a specialist violence against women court. 

Judicial proceedings, especially criminal proceedings, can become the setting for secondary victimisation and further victimisation for victims (i.e. harm due to the manner in which institutions deal with a victim) PDF

Article 49 Bis Loss Of Jurisdiction in Civil Cases When Acts Of Violence Against Women Occur.

ANTI DISCRIMINATION LAWS 
No one may be discriminated against on the basis of birth, racial or ethnic origin, sex, religion, belief or opinion, age, disability, sexual orientation or identity, gender expression, illness or health condition, serological status and/or genetic predisposition to suffer from pathologies and disorders, language, socioeconomic situation, or any other personal or social condition or circumstance.

Weaponization of defamation lawsuits is a form of secondary victimization

Open SLAPP Cases in 2022 and 2023
PDF Report
“Regulatory bodies have an important role to play in monitoring and, where appropriate, sanctioning legal professionals who either directly engage in SLAPPs or act on behalf of SLAPP claimants. ” 

“Article 10 ECHR protects speech that offends, shocks or disturbs.”

“Member States are further recommended to remove prison sentences for defamation in line with Council of Europe Resolution 1577(2007)”