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Financial Challenges.

After Divorce, Death of a Spouse, and Surviving a Narcissistic Discard.

Financial challenges after a significant relationship ending can be fraught with emotional fears, anxiety grief and in some cases significant trauma. Having experienced divorce, the sudden death of a spouse, and a post-separation experience of a narcissistic relationship, I know firsthand how overwhelming this path can be. Each situation brings unique financial hurdles that can lead to emotional and financial devastation. Rebuilding and starting over again takes time, everyone’s journey is different. No one should be shamed or blamed if they experience emotional trauma after grief and loss. We need to remember how vulnerable we are in these times of change. For many older women, the support networks might not be there anymore.

The Financial Fallout of Divorce

Divorce is not just the end of a marriage; it’s a financial upheaval. Legal fees, dividing assets, and establishing new living arrangements can drain resources quickly. The loss of a second income means a dramatic shift in lifestyle and often requires a complete financial reorganisation. For many women, this means re-entering the workforce, often after years of focusing on family. This can give rise to fear and feel unsettling. Hopefully, the divorce will be amicable and happen relatively smoothly.

However, sometimes there is conflict or one party will not come to the table to discuss things. When they want to battle through the courts, causing more emotional pain than necessary. See my book recommendation below, Divorcing A Narcissist. Dealing with the paperwork and legal processes following a significant life change can be extremely stressful​. The possibility of losing your home due to financial constraints or health issues is daunting​.

Sudden and Unexpected Death Of A Spouse

Losing a spouse suddenly is an emotional and financial shock. In addition to the grief, there’s the immediate need to handle funeral expenses, settle debts, and manage any legal matters related to the estate. If the deceased spouse was the primary breadwinner, the surviving partner might find themselves struggling to manage household finances alone. Insurance policies and pensions may provide some relief, but accessing these funds can be a complex and time-consuming process. Facing the prospect of prolonged loneliness and isolation is a common fear​. The emotional pain from losing a spouse or a partner at the end of a long-term relationship or marriage can be profound and debilitating​.

There is one very important thing to be aware of. That is couples who decide to live together need to arrange a legal contract that will cover both parties in the event of an unexpected death of a partner. There is no legal security for non-married couples. If they have not registered their living together arrangements or had wills drawn up. I was in this position in 2006 with the loss of my partner in life and business. I was fortunate to be in full-time employment at that time. Plus I had a secure, affordable rental. Plus the added assurance of a business that had been operating for 18 months and was already profitable. The worst possible scenario is to lose the main income earner. Leaving you in grief while you are also struggling to make ends meet financially.

 Emotional and Financial Abuse After Narcissistic Discard

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is uniquely challenging. Narcissists often use financial control as a means of maintaining dominance. They might have hidden assets, run up debts in your name. Or left you with nothing but the emotional and financial wreckage to clean up. The psychological trauma of such a relationship can leave you feeling powerless and uncertain about your financial future.

In this situation married or not separating from a relationship that has involved emotional and financial abuse and sometimes physical abuse can be traumatising or even dangerous.

In Control

In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder

For thirty years, Jane Monckton Smith has been fighting to change this. A former police officer and internationally renowned professor of public protection. Jane has developed her ground-breaking research into an eight-stage homicide timeline, laying out identifiable stages in which coercive relationships can escalate to violence and murder.

Divorcing A Narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissist, the Lure, the Loss and the Law is an Amazon.com number one bestseller.

It will help you recognise narcissistic behaviour. Prime you on what challenges lie ahead and provide practical insights on how to survive the process. It will also help you work with your lawyer so you can both understand the potential pitfalls that could frustrate attempts to finalise your separation.

“As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.”

Positive Steps You Can Take.

Seek Professional Advice. Find legal experts who specialise in post-separation issues, and consult with financial advisors. Make sure you understand your rights and options.

Budget and Plan. Create a realistic budget that reflects your new financial situation. Planning can help mitigate the stress of sudden financial changes.

Emotional Support. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or a counsellor. Emotional recovery is crucial for regaining financial independence.

Legal Protection. In cases of financial abuse, ensure you take legal steps to protect your assets and credit. This might include freezing your credit, changing bank accounts, and securing personal financial documents. In the UK economic abuse is now included in the crime of coercive controlling behaviour. For more information visit the website Surviving Economic Abuse.

Rebuild Credit. If your credit score has been damaged, take steps to rebuild it. Pay bills on time, reduce debts, and seek support if required. Consider speaking directly to any banks or credit card companies to explain your financial situation.

Community Resources. Seek out community resources and support groups for women in similar situations. They can offer advice, a friendly ear, and practical help. Know that you are not alone.

Emergency Fund. When you are feeling safe and secure you can think about investing. Start building an emergency fund to provide a financial cushion for unexpected expenses or further changes.

In conclusion
Women in non-married cohabiting relationships often face less favourable treatment under the law when these relationships end compared to their married counterparts. This is primarily due to the lack of legal recognition and protection for cohabiting couples, which can lead to significant financial and housing challenges. Legislative reform has been recommended to address these issues, but significant changes have yet to be implemented in many countries. I feel that it is important to raise awareness about the gaps in the laws in situations of cohabitation and the necessity of legal agreements to protect one’s rights. Remember everyone’s journey is different. No one should be shamed or blamed if they experience emotional trauma after grief and loss.

Passing The Baton: When legal advice goes awry

What is meant by “Passing The Baton”?
To Pass The Job And Responsibility On To Another.

I spent 1 year writing and publishing my first book to tell the true story of what happened in a relationship and post-separation. A former partner filed 7 criminal allegations against me. It was three weeks after I had appeared in a Civil Court in Cartagena for a Verbal Hearing on the precarious eviction. A free public defence lawyer had informed me that the Judge would order my eviction. I was shocked that the lawyer had not listened to anything I had told her, including that the statements in the court document presented to the Judge were misleading and some of it was not truthful.

Here is how the allegations appeared in the court documents

Fortunately, the Court dismissed five of the allegations after the first hearing. There are two allegations still in the court system.

Here are my experiences and part of the reason I published my book.

14th October

I received advice from a solicitor. The advice was to file a gender violence denuncia against the Ex. I asked the solicitor if he could write to his solicitor as I didn’t want to file a complaint. He refused saying I needed to file a denuncia and I would receive free legal help, then I would receive financial support and psychological assistance.

16th October

I backed out of going to the Police station with my Spanish friend who could translate for me.  I wrote to the Ex and his Solicitor because I didn’t want to go to court and prefer co-operation to litigation. Later I discovered that lots of women do not want to report domestic abuse, and even when Police can see there has been physical violence women have refused to press charges. I recommend the book “In Control Dangerous Relationships and How They End In Murder” by Jane Monkton Smith

Check out “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” by Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go? uses checklists, clinical wisdom, and real stories from real people to prepare you for the real terrain of pathological narcissism.
It raises the red flags to watch for and provides a realistic roadmap for difficult situations to help you reclaim yourself, find healing, and live an authentic and empowered life. Whether you stay or go.

Available Via Amazon

19th October 

I received an email reply from the solicitor who wrote “Be sure about facts in your denounce. As it is possible to process with a denounce against someone it is possible to prosecute someone who made a false denounce.” Plus “there is a stream of colleagues that are keen in taking any problem for couples married or in partnership.” Really??? What type of colleagues does he know that will advise to file a criminal complaint that could end up with a woman being prosecuted for filing a false denounce.

He then proceeded to tell me I have no rights here in Spain and that it is different than the UK. He advised me to make a proposal. I had already given my financial proposal to the Ex on the 12th of September. The one he rejected and did not even discuss with me.

21st October 

I decided to go to the Police and file the denuncia. At the office of the Guardia in Cartagena, I was not understood

There were two hearings which took place on the 22nd of October and then on the 15th January. Appointed a free public lawyer who appeared 30 minutes before the court hearings each time. No questions were asked and no further evidence was requested. On March 9th 2021, I received the sentence of the Gender Violence court in a text message from the free lawyer.

The original solicitor read the sentence and told me the case was heard as one minor verbal abuse and not a longer case of bad behaviour. Case Dismissed. His advice was to appeal.

Passing The Baton Failures: The free lawyer’s advice

The CAVI gender violence charity and the free lawyer’s advice was, do not make further complaints, you will make him angry. He was already angry. Then told to negotiate, I had already tried to negotiate. I had no access to legal representation. 

The reason why I wrote and published my first book was to raise awareness of hidden forms of domestic abuse (emotional, psychological, sexual, financial) I am lucky to be able to tell my story, many women are not here to tell their stories. Many people tell me that I’m strong, maybe I am strong but I still crumble now and then. As an entrepreneurial type, I know that you need to be determined to succeed. I’m still here, determined to share my story and hopefully obtain Justice and influence change.

So how could things have been different? Passing the baton.

I feel that the Solicitor who provided the advice to file the gender violence could have provided me with a written instruction of why he was giving me the advice to go to the police.

Or he could have called the Guardia and informed them first and made the appointment.

Or he could have represented me and attended the Guardia Office when the statement was made.

In communicating the information to the Guardia Civil in Cartagena then any misunderstanding would have been avoided.  Besides the 016 national Gender Violence helpline instructs women to have a lawyer when making a complaint. I asked twice at the Guardia office and did not get the assistance of a lawyer.

Turning Trauma into Triumph: Help Us Fund Legal Representation for One Woman’s Post-Separation Battle for Justice

Silenced in a Civil Court Verbal Hearing - Reason I did not understand Spanish.