Introduction
Navigating the intense stress of post-separation legal battles, especially with abusive ex-partners, can be overwhelming. It’s important to remember that all emotions experienced during this challenging time are valid. When we understand the emotional energy spiral, it offers survivors a framework to help with healing. In this article, I provide tools and strategies to help raise energy vibration as you navigate these difficulties. I’m not a medical practitioner; I have studied “trauma-informed coaching” and am still working on my full coaching certification. The other thing is I have lived experience.
Understanding the Emotional Energy Spiral
The emotional energy spiral describes how our emotions naturally fluctuate, moving between periods of higher and lower emotional states. It’s a visual way to understand that experiencing a range of emotions, including those considered “negative” like anger, fear, or despair, is a normal and expected part of the healing process, particularly when experiencing stressful situations like post-separation legal battles. Think of it as a spiral rather than a fixed point; you might find yourself at lower points at times, but the overall trend, with conscious effort and support, can move upwards towards greater emotional well-being.
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It’s important to acknowledge and validate the full spectrum of human emotions, including those often labelled as “negative” or “lower”, such as shame, unworthiness, and apathy. Experiencing these feelings is not a sign of failure or regression, but rather a built-in and unavoidable consequence of life’s challenges. Suppressing or denying these emotions can be detrimental to overall well-being, potentially leading to increased stress, anxiety, and even physical ailments. Instead, allowing oneself to feel and process these emotions, even when uncomfortable, can be a crucial step towards personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself. These “lower” emotions can serve as valuable signals, alerting us to situations that require attention, prompting us to set boundaries, or motivating us to seek change. Embracing the entirety of our emotional self, both the pleasant and the unpleasant, provides greater self-compassion and a more authentic human experience. When Survivors are angry, because of how they have been treated that anger is righteous anger, it is a healthy and justified emotion in the context of abuse. This type of anger can help us if we can channel that anger to assist us in moving forward with our plans.
We need to recognise that we will feel lots of difficult emotions. Sadness, overwhelm, exhaustion, and fear, for example, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about our negative feelings and emotions.
Strategies for Raising Our Emotional Energy.
Self-Affirmation and Acceptance (Guilt):
Replace self-blame and self-criticism with positive affirmations.
Instead of: “It’s my fault this happened.”
Try: “I am resilient, and I am learning and growing from this experience.”
Instead of: “I’m so stupid for not seeing the signs.”
Try: “I acted with the information I had at the time, and I deserve compassion.”
Instead of: “I’m not strong enough to get through this.”
Try: “I have inner strength, and I can navigate these challenges step by step.”
Practice self-acceptance and acknowledge your worth:
Instead of: “I’m damaged goods because of what I’ve been through.”
Try: “I am a survivor, and my experiences have made me stronger.”
Instead of: “Nobody will ever truly understand me.”
Try: “I am worthy of connection and understanding, and I will find my people.”
Instead of: “I don’t deserve to be happy after everything that’s happened.”
Try: “I deserve peace and happiness, and I am actively creating that for myself.”
Forgiveness (Shame):
Forgiveness is always a difficult concept for survivors of abuse. Who are we forgiving? Why are we forgiving? Look where “forgiveness” is on the upward part of the spiral. Let’s explore the power of self-forgiveness and forgiving others, as appropriate this is not for everyone.
It is purely a personal decision to choose to practice forgiveness of others, and it is not communicating your forgiveness to the actual person either, it depends on your own personal beliefs. You need to understand that when or if you decide to practice forgiveness it is for your own healing, peace and inner calm and for no one else.
There are many ways to practice forgiveness. I did a spoken affirmation years ago when I was in grief, in shock, and suffering panic attacks I wrote out a short personal statement that I repeated just as I was falling asleep. I included the persons name and repeated the words in my head.
Name, I forgive you for your angry outbursts.
Name, I forgive you for your infidelity.
Name, I forgive you for your unkind words.
This is easily changed to any circumstance or situation. You can use your own name and replace the behaviour part.
Five Minute Affirmation Video
Listen to this short video I created during my rise from the grief I experienced post separation.
Mindfulness and Affirmations (Fear):
Use affirmations to counteract fear-based thoughts.
These are the affirmations I used while experiencing fear.
“The power within me is greater than any fear I have. I am grateful that I am fully abundant in all areas of my life.”
“I can have fears without my fears having me. I am greater than my fears. I will connect with love. I deserve everything I love, and am willing to release my fears and live the life I want to live.”
Practice mindfulness meditations to stay present and grounded.
Journaling, creative writing as outlets for processing fear.
Notice where fear is on the emotional energy spiral.
Here are a few Journal Prompts for Processing Fear: .
- Describe a specific fear you are currently experiencing. What physical sensations do you notice when you think about it?
- What is the worst-case scenario you imagine related to this fear? What is the best-case scenario? What is the most likely scenario?
- What past experiences might be contributing to this fear?
- What are some small steps you can take to address this fear?
- Write a dialogue between your fearful self and your courageous self. What does each voice say?
- What would you tell a friend who was experiencing this same fear?
- What are you grateful for in your life right now, despite this fear?
- Imagine yourself a month from now, having successfully navigated this fear. What did you do to get there?
- What positive affirmations can you write down to counteract the thoughts fueling your fear?
- Explore a time in the past when you overcame a significant fear. What did you learn from that experience?
Controlled Anger Release (Anger):
Safe methods for releasing anger: voice memos, physical release (pillow punching), controlled screaming. For me I had moments of anger in the mornings, so I used to have my say out loud while pacing the floor. I call it my “morning rant” just let it all fly. It’s amazing how better you will feel once you have released some of that pent up emotion.
Importance of managing anger without causing harm or attracting unwanted attention.
Seeking Support (Despair):
Recognise the importance of support during difficult times.
Options: trauma therapy, grief counselling, support groups, retreats.
Emphasise that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Practical Steps for Maintaining Momentum
Invest in Yourself:
Prioritise self-care activities (rest, healthy eating, exercise).
Dedicate time to activities that bring joy and relaxation.
Education and Empowerment:
Learn about legal processes to feel more in control. (Notice where learning is on the emotional energy spiral)
Educate yourself on abuse dynamics and trauma. (I have a shop page with recommended reading) #CommissionEarned “As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.”
Set Small Goals:
Break down large tasks into smaller, manageable steps.
Celebrate small victories to maintain motivation.
Keep Going:
Remind readers of their strength and resilience.
Emphasise the importance of perseverance and hope.
Linking to Membership Program
I have the idea of a low-cost membership program for survivors of post-separation abuse (€10/$10/£10 per month). Also, for women who are going through what I call the three Ds of relationship endings, in my lifetime, I have experienced all three: Divorce, Death of my partner and Discard, the abrupt termination of the relationship.
I’m still rebuilding my life after nearly five years going through the trauma of litigation abuses that the courts here in Spain have refused to consider as post-separation abuse. I know I’m not alone, as women worldwide are also experiencing similar issues. Abusers weaponise money and justice systems as a form of power and control. Clearly, there needs to be more awareness raising on this.
Support Group
I’m thinking of how we can support each other. Share our stories. Find friendships.
As a published author, I plan to create a short course focusing on writing as a way to heal and a how-to on self-publishing. If there is enough interest in this, I could launch the membership on a paid platform like SKOOL, so that only paid members will have access and be able to communicate with each other. If you want to express interest, please reach out to me here. Contact Page.
Why SKOOL?
I have joined many Facebook Group communities and have seen how scammers target vulnerable individuals. Nearly every group I have contributed to has posts that tell people they can help with gaining access to phone records or other ridiculous investigation scams. People in trauma do not need to be sitting ducks.
Conclusion
Even amidst the immense challenges of post-separation legal battles, especially those involving abusive ex-partners, remember your inherent strength and resilience. Healing and growth are absolutely possible. Embrace the strategies discussed, prioritize your well-being, and know that you are capable of navigating this journey and creating a brighter future for yourself. I know that we will all have times where we are not on the right track, feel lost and alone, but with a supportive community we can maybe find others who will inspire us, hold space for others, and be a guide through the maze that we find ourselves in.
Share your experiences in the comments below. Are you interested in joining a supportive membership program for survivors of post-separation abuse and women navigating divorce, death of a partner, or discard? Would this be helpful? Let me know!.
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